5 Films to NOT Watch When You’re Sick
Newspaper reports every year claim that January is the worst month of the year. All festivities are over. The world is in come-down mode. The most amount of sick-days from work are taken. And we’re all ill. Struck down with colds, flus, etc. There’s nothing worse than having a flu. Everything hurts, everything annoys you. You’d think you’d enjoy the privilege of staying in bed, but that just feels bothersome.
The last time I was sick, I watched Once Upon a Time in the West. It’s graceful, epic visuals and beautiful soundtrack somehow soothed me. And then Happy Days managed to keep me occupied by being mildly amusing yet not requiring any mental concentration. But there are some films in this world which not only should be avoided when sick, as they only seem to accentuate your symptoms, but may actually make your healthy body feel ill when watching. Read on at your own risk….
Not an obvious choice at all. This Stephen King novella sets out to be a heart-warming tale about a group of boys who bond while searching for a dead body. It’s really a typical coming of age tale, albeit one of the best, but during one scene the protagonist, Gordie, amuses his group with a story. It tells the tale of Lardass, who gets revenge on his cruel town during a pie-eating contest by eating a concoction of nauseous foodstuffs. He vomits during the contest, and the vile smell induces everyone in the audience to mass-projectile vomit all over each other. You just knew you couldn’t watch something devised by King that wouldn’t sicken you at some stage. You can watch the barforama here.
It’s not so much the 15-minute long infamous rape scene that makes watching this film such a sickening experience (although you don’t have to be unwell to be disgusted by it), but it’s the entire movie’s sense of “direction”. Gasper Noé’s story of frustration and revenge is so slight that the only way to keep us occupied is to have the camera constantly moving. And I don’t mean panning smoothly, I mean twisting and twirling, spiralling an spinning until you’re left with a headache to block out the knowledge that the film downright sucks. And when your own head is spinning from the onslaught of influenza, the very prospect of watching this rollercoaster visual style will make your life a lot more painful.
This tiny film (made for about $7000) is one of the most inventive of the past few years. But beware, for unless you’re in a soduku-solving mindset, you may be in for hell. The film concerns two engineers, who accidentally create a device that can travel a person back in time (but not forward). Sounds simple, but things get confusing when you realise that the people you’re watching may not be the “originals”, and that at any given time there’s a number of “copies” wandering around, all trying to avoid each other. Oh, and none of this is explicitally revealed. When sober and healthy, trying to figure out this movie is already testing on your mental facilities. When ill, I can only image the film will somehow cause a spontaneous cranial implosion.
Terry Gilliam must have some long-term persistent illness, consdering the look and style of all of his films. 12 Monkeys is one of his most frenzied, a strange tale of a madman who claims to be from the future, who returns to modern times to discover how a mysterious virus wiped out most of humanity. Fear and Loathing in Los Vegas is also equally insane, but this film just beats it due to the whole time-travel confusion. If Stand By Me represents the vomiting stage of being sick, then this film surely represents delirium. The film is frantic, sweaty. Everything seems to be shot with a super-wide lens, making faces and places seem distorted and unreal. I feel dizzy just thinking about it. But what do you expect from one sixth of Monty Python, an insane-asylum group that somehow managed to infiltrate the BBC.
Many claim director Stanley Kubrick to be a genius director. But no genius would ever be nuts enough to make a film like A Clockwork Orange. Every single aspect of this film is so odd, so bizarre, that when the credits roll, you’ll find your temperature has shot through the thermometer and you’re starting to feel a little insane yourself. The film’s soundtrack is Beethoven played with a moog, the main characters speak gibberish, wear their underpants outside their pants, and drink milk from a lady’s nether-regions. This is the kind of thing you could only concoct in the throes of meningitis. Or syphilis. A friend of mine once dressed up like a Droog for a costume party, and I instantly collapsed from pneumonia. This film should start with an advisory note that only those with strong immune systems should continue watching.
Honorable Mentions aslo go to Jacob’s Ladder and the remake of The Manchurian Candidate, for being almost as sweaty as a Gilliam film, The Exorcist for being both scary and gross, and The Thing for featuring an enemy that looks like a big pile of regurgitation.
And if you have any suggestions of your own, for the sake of humanity, please let me know! Get well soon.
Mr. eoin o’faolain,
one of the unfortunate things of the free world of web is that some moronic kids like you also get the chance to talk crap about things far beyond the capacity of your bird brain. the other unfortunate part is, sometimes even the usually reliable informative sites also put a link to such an article; and make decent intelligent up people to unknowingly stumble into it, ending up reading a few lines of garbage.
“and make decent intelligent up people to unknowingly stumble into it, ending up reading a few lines of garbage.”
Maybe if you could speak English properly, I would have treated your comment seriously.
Maybe if you “got” the frivilous nature of the article, I’d regard you as more than some sort of internet troll just out to get a reaction.
Go back to your Bhau Thakur Jhawle gang.
Also,
Dark City – staring at white, pasty bald guys with horrible teeth that go around putting everyone to sleep is pretty freaky when you’re trying to rest it up while ill
Total Recall – do you want to watch Arnie pull a golf-ball size, glowing red orb out of his nose, three people slowly explode on the surface of Mars, and a telepathic mutant living on the surface of some guy’s stomach drooling with ghost-white eyes while you’re sick? I don’t.
Event Horizon – the vindictive spirit of a haunted starship creating sheer insanity with a high gore rating makes for a better date movie than a sick movie
a few others,
Dreamcatcher – the cabin bathroom scene
From Dusk Till Dawn – the last half of the whole movie
Versus – Japanese splatterfest, yet awesome movie for healthy times
The Descent – though the chick factor is nice on the eyes, most of the other aspects of the movie are both claustrophobic and ultra-bloody
The most sickening movie ever is GUMMO!!!!!! There is a scene with this gross little boy eating spaghetti and chocolate bars while taking a bath in some dark, dirty bath water. Those who have seen this movie know exactly what I am talking about. The whole movie is gross.
Having just seen Sweeney Todd recently, I can honestly tell you that isnt a film I’d want to watch while I was unwell. Some other ones are:
1) Any of Steven Seagal’s earlier films, his new ones just dont do it for me
2) Gladiator, great movie but I’m not wanting to see many stabbings while I”m feeling under the weather
3) Fast and the Furious/ XXX, good movies with Vin Diesel but motion sickness can do funny things to people, plus the roar of the car’s engines would give me a headache
4) I completely agree with Terry about Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, who wants to see people eating chilled monkey’s brains, bugs crawling round everywhere, and a guy getting his heart ripped out before being lowered into a hot firey pit?
5) How can we forget the “Kill Bill” films? Pretty much anything made by Quentin Tarantino or Robert Rodriguez would be taboo while you’re not feeling all that well
6) The General’s Daughter, a great drama with John Travolta but its main subject matter and rape scene would turn me completely off if I was unwell
I can’t believe that anyone here has seen the last 25% of Audition and not give it first prize (especially if you’re of the male species). For me, I loved it!
As far as puke-fests go, what about that wonderful scene in ‘Porky’s 2: The Next Day’ with Kaki Hunter and Ed Winter in the swanky restaurant? For delerium, stay away from ‘Memento’. Then, of course, there’s the ‘Evil Dead’ series…
The Machinist – it made my stomach hurt. I kind of liked the sick in my stomach feeling when I was well, but I’d hate to watch if I was sick.
Pink Flamingos- Divine devouring a pile of dog excrement
Saw 2- Xavier throwing Amanda into the pit of dirty, old needles
Alien- the famous chest-bursting demise of Kane
Last House on the Left- the stabbing and disenbowelment of Phyillis
Guinea Pig: Flowers of Flesh and Blood- the snuff-like torture scene, which is basically the entire film
How to eat fried worms-horrible movie if you have anything stomach related
Eraserhead. ‘Nuff said.
The first 30 minutes of Perfume: Story of a Murderer is enough to turn your stomach. I had the misfortune of eating dinner during the beginning of the movie. My girlfriend had to put her meal down for a while.
Bad Taste…an old school cult classic…if you’ve never seen this movie, i highly recommend it, just not if you’re sick, some of the best gore ever
Frankenhooker…well what more can I say
The Bourne Supremacy, The Bourne Ultimatum, United 93 or any other movie directed by Paul “Handheld” Greengrass.
HOW is it that NO ONE mentioned Audition? Kiri, kiri, kiri…. EUgh. Can’t stand it. But I don’t think Dead-Alive is really that bad… Its so FAKE! (Its also my favorite movie)
Take all the films mentioned, roll into a big ball and you will see the number “2″ of films not to watch while sick. There cannot be anymore numbers after 2. Number “1″ is,
…..drum roll….” The Luau ” You will need stomach repair surgery after fifteen minutes into it.
The only movie that has ever made me physically ill was Cabin Fever. The scene with the leg shaving was soooo gross! I also have to say The Sentinel from 1977. Extremely trippy and gory.
Little known ditty called Society directed by Brian Yuzna. Awful movie. Bad acting, shoddy effects, and really bad editing. BUT, the ending, where this weird “society” of people basically suck the life out of people, I remember being genuinely taken aback and sickened by it. They become very rubbery and their faces stretch out to suck on people. It didn’t help that the guy who gets eaten genuinely didn’t deserve it.
FUCK YOU FOR NOT HAVING “DEAD ALIVE!” In all seriousness, that movie will create horrible nausea.
Know what movie’s the worst to watch when you’re sick?
2 Girls and 1 Cup
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*August Underground Mordum*
- watch it healthy…it will make you sick.
- watch it sick…it will make you vomit your guts out.
*need I say more?* [grinds]
Very nice post, I share the same position about this.
This is not bad advice, unlike a lot I have come across.
I liked the post and your writing style. I’m adding you to my RSS reader.