I admit, I walked into the theatre and settled down to watch Paul Blart: Mall Cop, and I was ready to tear it a new one.  Several new ones.  My claws and fangs were out and I was leaking a hallucinogenic neurotoxin from every pore and orifice my body contained.  I was in Full Critic Mode.

And then the bastards had the nerve to make me LAUGH.

Paul Blart: Mall Cop had no business being as entertaining as it was.  None at all. It’s easily the best Happy Madison movie ever made, and this would ordinarily almost be an insult given the quality of other Happy Madison titles out there.  But this is as far beyond any previous Happy Madison title as a Ferrari is from a hay wagon.

The plot of Paul Blart: Mall Cop–and in perhaps the creepiest part of the whole thing, it does indeed have a plot, and it’s both clear and shockingly coherent–involves the title character, Paul Blart, in the title position, Mall Cop.  He’s the most conscientious security guard ever seen by mortal men, and the mall is his beat.  He’s a nice guy, if a little goofy and socially inept, and he’s a family man, too, living with his mother and daughter.  His wife left him in a funny yet at the same time sad story.

Anyway, he’s cruising the mall on his custom Segway–he actually has TWO, his duty model and one he keeps for off-duty use in his garage.  He even has a funny video of him performing tricks on one.  And yes, you’ll get to see it.  He keeps law and order the best he can, even though most of the mall’s patrons have little respect for him.  And his efforts to join the New Jersey State Troopers have met with failure due to his hypoglycemia.  Fully eight times.

Which means, when the mall is taken over by a highly-skilled gang of thieves, and only Paul Blart is left inside thanks to a brief moment of inattention brought on by a game of Rock Band, it’s only Paul Blart who can save the day, the mall, and the woman he loves.

Yes, for those of you who were wondering, Paul Blart: Mall Cop is basically Die Hard, if you replaced Nakatomi Tower with the West Orange Pavilion Mall, Christmas Eve with Black Friday, and John McClane with a ginormous hypoglycemic with delusions of grandeur.  I don’t know if they were actually TRYING to make a parody, but if they were, they definitely succeeded.  And if they WEREN’T trying for a parody, then they just blundered into the best accidental parody EVER.

Seriously…if they weren’t planning for a parody of Die Hard, then they deserve every penny of the hundred-plus-million this thing has made so far.  It’s just too amazing to not.

So all things considered, I’m still amazed, but I’m recommending Paul Blart: Mall Cop.  It took me three tries to type it but I’m a hundred percent serious.  See this movie.  It’s just that good.