So the folks out at The Asylum sent me a copy of their newest Asylumized knockoff, Mega Piranha, the target of which won’t even be in theaters until August, if I remember correctly.  And it will be the doozy you expect.

Featuring Barry Williams and eighties pop star Tiffany, Mega Piranha is pretty much what it sounds like, featuring piranhas that find their way from the Amazon to Florida.  And as much as we all would like to know, we’re going to find that, by the end of all this, it’s probably better that we don’t ask in the first place.

I was immediately concerned when Mega Piranha violated an old rule of horror filmmaking that I’d had for years, but hadn’t had to cite in many others.  That rule: “If a horror movie brings out topless women within the first ten minutes, it’s a bad, bad sign”.  And this is not the first of the bad signs, as the “mutant” fish will jump out of water to attack people and do all sorts of other things that you’d never expect piranhas to do.

And it’s not just the fish and topless women that’ll have you direly skeptical–the plot holes and the horrendous acting (especially by eighties pop star Tiffany) will do a bang up job of that.

But perhaps the worst part of this whole sad mess comes about two thirds of the way through, when even the movie sounds baffled by the preposterous thing it’s about to do.  And explanations for any of this lunacy appear to be in short supply.

Still though…Mega Piranha has its moments.  They may be few and far between, but there is  a certain manic glee in seeing an enormous piranha sticking out of an apartment complex, tail wiggling frantically.  And if you’re into cheesy monster movies, emphasis on the cheesy, then you should be all right with this.

If you’re into movies that don’t require a lot of explanation, or focus on big scary monsters with lots of teeth that like the taste of people, then Mega Piranha is your cup of tartar sauce.  But for the rest of us who like a bit of decent storytelling, we’re out of luck here.  The Screenhead Ten Scale gives this Asylumized knockoff of a feature film soon to be appearing a measly three out of ten for being a huge waste of plastic with a couple decent moments.