Vampires Suck would not exist if it weren’t for Twilight.  Bold pronouncement, I know, but it’s true. And that makes it a little tough to review.

Vampires Suck follows clearly angst-ridden misunderstood teen Becca as she moves from her home in Nevada following the revelation that her mother’s  been “doing some pro golfer” (which we discover via implication that it’s actually Tiger Woods). She goes to stay with her father in Sporks, and that’s when the romantic horror gets started.  Bella–I mean Becca–meets Edward Sullen (not Cullen, but Sullen–which is actually much more appropriate) over long slow-motion stares, and begins a love affair that will span…a few months, I guess…and end up at the prom?

Basically, if you take everything that was stupid, overwrought and unintentionally funny about Twilight, Breaking Dawn and Eclipse, crank it up past ludicrous, and put it all together, you get Vampires Suck.

See, I found this hilarious.  Why?  Because I sat through Twilight and New Moon. You may remember the reviews of same I did, and if not, I just linked them for you. And for the most part, I hated these movies because they contained so many parts that were stupid, overwrought and unintentionally funny. And Vampires Suck cheerfully mocked EVERYTHING I couldn’t stand about those movies. But this poses a problem.

For Vampires Suck to truly be entertaining, you have to be in the middle of this big Venn diagram–that’s the one with the two circles that overlap.  On the left, one circle reads “Saw Twilight / Breaking Dawn / Eclipse / Any or all of the above” and the other reads “Couldn’t stand it”.  To really appreciate this movie, you have to have both seen the movies, so that you understand the references, and you have to have hated it, so that you WANT to understand.  When you know from experience how stupid it was that Bella basically sat in a chair for three months after Edward left her, it’s funnier that Becca sat in a chair for three months after Edward left HER, and it’s even better because this time everything Becca sees from her window is wearing Edward’s jacket and hairstyle, even a poodle.

See what I mean?  You have to know the reference, and have enough distaste for the reference that mocking it is worthwhile.  If you have these, you’ll laugh constantly.  If not, many of the jokes will likely fall flat.

So for me, and those like me, Vampires Suck is a constant string of laughs.  For those not like me, Vampires Suck is a in-joke fest that never does anything that wasn’t already done. Thus, the Screenhead Ten Scale averages the whole thing out and gives Vampires Suck a five out of ten.