The folks out at Warner Brothers sent me off a copy of Jonah Hex recently, and I actually almost saw this in theaters back on a Friday opening day. But something else came out that same day and I went there instead. Would that be prophetic? As it turns out, sadly, it was.

Jonah Hex follows the comic book character of the same name, a Confederate soldier who finds himself on the bad side of vengeance as his family is murdered by Quentin Turnbull, a Confederate officer who wants vengeance of his own on Jonah Hex following a disastrous military campaign in which Hex murdered Turnbull’s son Jeb, who in turn was trying to kill Hex for refusing Turnbull’s order to attack a hospital. Don’t worry–it only sounds complicated because I’m putting it all in a sentence or two. Anyway, Turnbull murders Hex’s family in response and very nearly kills Hex himself, and sets Hex on his own path of vengeance. But now Turnbull’s got a superweapon of unfathomable capability built by no less than mechanical supergenius…Eli Whitney?…okay…and Turnbull means to turn it on Washington just in time for the nation’s Centennial.

Seriously, I’m having a hard time keeping track of the preposterous logic going on in here, especially how the guy who came up with the cotton gin managed to create a six-barreled semi-automatic CANNON with explosive round that detonated on immediate-area contact with a special glowing-orange round. And worse yet, this is billed as a “nation-killer”. Considering that it took about half a dozen of these preposterous shells to take out a small town about the size of some entire houses today, I really don’t think you could have carried sufficient ammo to have this thing wipe out an entire nation.  I don’t think you could’ve loaded sufficient ammo on board the Titanic to wipe out an entire nation.

And while the logic is preposterous, the rest of the movie is solidly average. Josh Brolin’s performance is competent but uninspired, but John Malkovich is clearly having about the same kind of good time that Kenneth Branagh had when he played Dr. Arliss Loveless back in Wild Wild West. And of course, Megan Fox isn’t in this for her talent, that’s for sure–what little she’s actually here is a wooden disaster. The dialogue is sketchy to say the least, nothing feels very natural, and Josh Brolin really isn’t as good as you’d hope for a guy who’s carrying large portions of the movie on his back. At least it’s not Megan Fox who’s running things here…though if it were John Malkovich, now, that’d be different. Interestingly, Tom Wopat (formerly of Dukes of Hazzard) is also here, and does make things a bit interesting for just a tick. He’s not here long, but he’s good all the same.

Basically, every bad thing you’ve heard so far about this movie is here, and while it’s little more than a loud and uninspired rehash of Wild Wild West with a few comic book figures thrown into play, the end result isn’t exactly unpleasant, but it really could’ve been a lot better.

The Screenhead Ten Scale gives the sub-par Jonah Hex a four out of ten–it’s not unwatchable, but it’s certainly not the kind of thing you’d want to buy and take home.