When you start out a movie with a text crawl, you catch my attention most every time. See, there’s this old principle in writing called a “brick”, so named for the old comic strip Krazy Kat. And in same, this mouse by the name of Ignatz was constantly hucking bricks at the titular cat because he was in love with her. And in writing terms, the “brick” is something you use to catch a reader’s attention right from go. That’s what a text crawl often does, at least for me, and that’s why I definitely started off liking Yellowbrickroad, which the folks out at Bloody-Disgusting sent over. Thankfully, they could keep up with what they started.

Yellowbrickroad follows a mysterious story of the town of Friar, NH, which was host to a bizarre incident back in the 1940s. I’ll explain more about that in a minute. But suffice it to say that, in the future, the records behind the incident were declassified, and the coordinates of the town of Friar were released along with them. Now, an expedition is launched to find out just what happened, and the results are more bizarre than most could imagine.

But the title crawl that caught my attention so well? It went like this: “One morning in 1940, the entire population of Friar, NH, walked north up an unmarked trail into the wilderness. Some were later found frozen to death. Others were mysteriously slaughtered. Most, however, were never found. Among the classified records is this audio recording of a lone survivor, conducted at the outset of investigation.”

Creepy? You’d better believe it. A pretty impressive bit of creepy, when you come right down to it. And watching it reveals a pretty well set up affair, with just enough exposition tossed in at just the right times to keep the whole thing moving and sufficiently compelling to hold interest throughout.

Watching these people break down slowly on their expedition, even as we have no idea what’s going on, is especially unnerving, and leaves the whole movie to be a deeply nerve-wracking, chilling experience. It may not have a whole lot in the way of shocks, but this atmospheric chiller is a thing of beauty. Bloody-Disgusting’s really got a winner on their hands with this one. I thought their earlier Rammbock was pretty good stuff, but it was too short. Yellowbrickroad is everything Rammbock was and then some.

The Screenhead Ten Scale gives Yellowbrickroad a ten out of ten for being a deliciously creepy romp that’s occasionally tough to follow but well worth your time to watch. You won’t be able to catch this until June 1st, and even then in limited theaters only, but man, will you ever want to get your head around this one if you have any taste for horror at all.

So today, we’re checking out a little something for the ladies and settling in to the presentation of Bridesmaids, a two hour presentation featuring a whole lot more bizarre humor than you expected from a group of women working together.

Bridesmaids follows Annie, whose dear friend Lillian is getting married. Annie’s Lillian’s maid of honor, and she’s therefore in charge of herding a bunch of marginally psychotic personalities in a dash to the altar on her friend’s behalf. But there’s a problem here–Annie’s life is itself a disaster, and considering that she’s both broke and lonely (her current “boyfriend”s idea of a pet name made me want to punch him myself, and I’m a guy), the last thing she really wants is to be reminded of same by watching her friend get married. But she’s got to get the whole thing together, and in the process, maybe even improve her own situation a bit.

For those of you who’ve seen the trailers and end up thinking that this is precious little more than a live-action version of South Park’s Eat, Pray, Queef episode, you can be forgiven for thinking so. Watching women engage in gross-out humor is more than a little disconcerting, especially after decades of being told that guys’ efforts at gross-out humor were childish, annoying and definitely not scoring them any points with the ladies. And there will be indeed job lots of that sort of humor in here; what happens to the Bridesmaids after their encounter with Brazilian food cannot be easily described or even thought of in decent company. What Maya Rudolph ends up doing in an admittedly impressive wedding gown in the middle of a busy street is beyond description.

But there’s not just epic piles of gross-out humor here. There’s also a lot of humor here that’s geared almost exclusively toward the ladies. Guys watching all this from the outside looking in will likely be as baffled as the guys who are actually in the movie all, to a man, seem to be. It’s an interesting perspective on those mysterious ladies, guys, and seeing this for yourself may prove more educational than you’d think. Also it’s hilarious to watch a chick who’s a dead ringer for Camryn Mannheim–a surprisingly awesome Melissa McCarthy–relentlessly hit on a man she thinks is an air marshal by describing in no uncertain detail how she can hide an Apple iPod Nano on her person.

This is fun stuff. A surprising amount of it is awkward, especially for the straight guys in the audience (more than once I wished they’d move on with a joke as they’d not only scored the point, but also spiked the ball and were in the process of violating the mascot), but it’s still sufficient fun for just about anyone.

The Screenhead Ten Scale gives Bridesmaids an eight out of ten–it doesn’t always succeed, but when it does, it does well. And sometimes it even succeeds too well. Guys, go ahead and see this one–your girlfriend probably wants to anyway, and you may as well take advantage on a movie that’s also funny.

Documentary fans, strap in, because the folks out at Lions Gate sent over a copy of The Cove, and if you like documentaries, water scenery, or the environment, you’re going to be all over this one like Shark Week on chum.

The Cove follows a group of free divers and environmentalists, especially former dolphin trainer on the set of Flipper Ric O’Barry, who’ve made a horrible discovery out in a secret cove in Japan, near the town of Taiji. And what they find going on in there has deep ramifications for huge swathes of the ecosystem as we know it. But their discovery isn’t without risk, and there are those who want to keep this find silent. But The Cove exists as a monument to those who wouldn’t remain silent, despite the dangers around them.

The first several minutes of The Cove are actually profoundly confusing. Something very, very significant is going on in front of us, but we don’t know just what that something is and won’t know for quite some time into the movie. And we know it’s significant; they keep beating around the bush, describing how O’Barry’s colleagues are dying off, and how shady events are going on, sometimes tied to major names like Sea World.

And when The Cove isn’t being oblique, it’s downright beautiful. There are plenty of amazing scenes of underwater vistas and dolphins moving in rapid fashion, and it’s really impressive to see. But this beauty almost seems contributory to many of the issues that end up facing dolphins. By the time you figure out what Taiji’s secret is, and how it relates to everything else that’s going on, it’s not hard to end up feeling downright horrified by what you’re seeing.

But in the midst of your horror, you’ll also get some really exciting moments in which you watch the environmentalists fighting back, using bizarre and outlandish methods.

The end result is an attention-grabbing concept that melds espionage, outright action, and a beautiful oceanic documentary in one fell swoop. It’s impossible not to follow this obsessively, and does a magnificent job of compelling attention.

The Screenhead Ten Scale gives The Cove a full ten out of ten. It’s hard not to enjoy a movie like this that not only manages to pack a bit of action and adventure into a documentary about dolphins, but also create a compelling, haunting piece that will keep your attention very nicely throughout the entire piece. Even the run time, around ninety minutes, is just right. Everything about this is just right.

You’ll likely find Thor familiar when you first see it, because it’s actually similar to a lot of situations we’ve already seen him in. But the big deal here is that we’re getting a look at him on a much bigger screen, and in a much bigger environment. Today we’re talking Thor, and it’s all about the big.

Thor takes us to Asgard, in which Odin and all the various Norse types are taking on the Frost Giants of Jotunheim, which is something of a classic in both Norse mythology and Thor in general. The Asgardians win, seizing the Casket of Ancient Winters in the process, which is the center of the Frost Giants’ power. Fast forward about a thousand odd years where Thor, Odin’s son, is about to take the throne of Asgard when the Frost Giants burst in, wanting their casket back. Thor goes after them, and in the process, gets thrown out of Asgard. Turns out Odin didn’t want him going after them. But now, Thor’s on Earth, Mjolnir’s been cursed by Odin himself to not work for anyone but “the worthy”, and Thor’s just an ordinary schmoe. Can he recover his power in the face of plotting from his brother Loki and the attacks of a horde of enemies on Earth?

Like I said, it’s all about the big. Stick around after the credits, by the way, because you’ll get good old Sam Jack back in his Nick Fury role, giving us one last little shot of something I can’t tell you about without spoilering. But based on this little extra shot, they’re really going to get something interesting going on by the time the Avengers movies start showing up.

Plus, like Kenna said, this is definitely an action movie the ladies can get behind, as Chris Hemsworth will not only be frequently shirtless (which, sadly, neither Kat Dennings nor Natalie Portman will join in on) but he will also wrestle a guy in a big field of mud. Yes, ladies, you’re welcome.

Now here’s the thing–this is a lot like Iron Man. It’s big and loud and very much a summer movie, and since it’s May, that’s really not out of line. Admittedly, there’s nothing too cerebral here, but you’ve got to give it an edge by its sheer nature. You simply do not see many movies dependent on Norse mythology in theaters, and this is one of a very, very small pool that does. Meanwhile, you’ve got all the great parts of a summer movie, with lots of explosions and attractive people running around and fight scenes and everything that makes a summer movie clearly a summer movie.

You’ve got to hand it to them for truly pretty set design–the Rainbow Bridge out of Asgard is an impressive sight and there are some fantastic shots of the cosmos in general that beg to be watching on a big screen. But the story’s not the strongest, and frankly, there are plenty of things in here that will no doubt set comic book purists’ teeth on edge. Still though, it won’t be a waste of your ticket price, and will still be quite worthwhile.

The Screenhead Ten Scale gives Thor a more than passable seven out of ten. It’s impressive enough, and though there isn’t a whole lot in here story-wise, it’s still going to be pretty exciting and really take advantage of the bigger screens and louder sound systems.

Big day out here today, folks–the crew out at Bloody Disgusting, of all places, sent over a copy of their newly-sponsored Rammbock: Berlin Undead for me to review, and this one had me interested for a long time.

Rammbock: Berlin Undead follows Michael, a man who’s on his way into Berlin to see his girlfriend Gabi, who he thinks is about to leave him. But he’s got bigger problems than lady problems (yes, there are such things). What kind of problems can possibly be bigger than lady problems? How about zombie problems? Yeah, that’d do it…Michael’s just walked into a good old fashioned Zombie Apocalypse, and before you can say, don’t say the zed word, legions of the living dead are descending on Berlin, and now Michael’s got to get out in one piece, and maybe even Gabi, too.

When I first got a look at Rammbock: Berlin Undead, I knew something was up. It’s only about an hour long. What kind of zombie apocalypse can you possibly fit in an hour, I wondered. Turns out, you can fit in the super-compressed kind that will be long on blood and people getting tore up real good, but short on a lot of explanation.

In a way, that’s actually working in Rammbock: Berlin Undead’s favor. We know what the characters know, when they know it, not before or after. It makes things more tense this way, not having any advance special knowledge. It does make the narrative feel a bit incomplete, though, and that’s not a big help. Still though, in terms of raw satisfaction, this is pretty good stuff.

Special note, horror fans, this one is entirely in German, though there will be English subtitles.

It’s light on the exposition, sure, but there’s plenty of exciting zombie action here, and that’s good enough for a lot of people. It is strange to be watching an hour-long zombie movie, but the fact that is a particularly good hour-long zombie movie forgives a multitude of sins.

Hopefully Bloody Disgusting’s next sponsored outings will prove a bit more substantial, but this one certainly got my interest. If you’re looking for a good zombie romp and don’t mind that it doesn’t actually take long to finish, you’ll want to check out Rammbock: Berlin Undead for yourself.

The Screenhead Ten Scale gives Rammbock: Berlin Undead an eight out of ten, and would have gone all the way to a nine or even a full ten had they invested the little extra and picked it up to a proper length runtime. Still though, what’s here is plenty good even if it’s a bit too short.

You’ve probably heard tires squeal before. You’ve maybe even seen YouTube footage of someone engaged in a burnout before, in which a car’s tires move faster than their ability to gain traction, thus causing a streak of rubber to be left behind on the road surfact. That’s exactly–to the inch–what watching Fast Five is like. It’s loud, it’s entertaining to those who watch it, and at its core, it’s phenomenally stupid.

Fast Five rejoins us with Dominick Toretto and his erstwhile family, sister Mia, in events taking place just after the fourth installment but before the third. If you’re confused, don’t worry–you absolutely don’t need to know any of this before you watch the movie. Dom’s just been sent up for twenty five to life for his various crimes, and is on his way, by bus, to prison. His family busts him out in rapid and spectacular fashion, and now they’re all off to sunny Rio de Janiero to find their fortune. They find it in the form of Herman Reyes, corrupt businessman who’s got a whole lot of cash stashed all over Rio. Now, Dom and his crew are hatching a complex plot to seize the money, but all the while, they’ve got Luke Hobbs and his agents hunting them, seeing as how they’re all wanted fugitives.

If you picture Ocean’s Eleven, but take out all the jokes and replace them with cars going really really fast, then you have a pretty good idea of what you’re in for with Fast Five. It watches like it was written by a not particularly bright fourteen year old who knew exactly what he wanted to see in a movie–cars going fast, guns going off, and attractive women going around half-naked–and set out to get every ohm and erg of it. Plot is really rather minimal, except for a decent plot twist at the end.

Fast Five is no one’s idea of a good movie, but it will be entertaining enough by virtue of its sheer bombast. There’s entirely too much going on here to not be entertaining. But it’s shoddily constructed, and downright idiotic. Easily twenty to forty minutes could have been trimmed off this and no one would have noticed. It’s garbage, but it’s loud and shiny garbage that will definitely keep people’s attention.

It’s like tires squealing in the night–anyone who watches will be entertained, but it’s such a waste of rubber that one wonders why they even bothered.

But if you came here looking for cars going fast and blowing up with alarming regularity while attractive women wander around in various states of undress, never really saying all that much but no less important for their lack of dialogue, and don’t mind a weak plotline and dialogue that’s more wooden than a scrap shack in Rio, well, you’ve got your movie right here.

Still though, the Screenhead Ten Scale hands Fast Five a not quite eponymous six out of ten. It’s entertaining enough, sure, and it knows it. There’s not much going on here plot-wise, but then, that’s not exactly what they were going for.

I Love You Phillip Morris may well have been one of the most underrated Jim Carrey movies ever. With a distribution approach that looked like it was decided via a map of the world and a twelve gauge shotgun wielded by a blindfolded nun at two hundred paces, not too many people got a chance to see this. And though in some senses it’s not hard to see why, it’s still a surprisingly hilarious title. And how do I know? Simple–the folks out at Lions Gate sent out a copy for us to review.

I Love You Phillip Morris follows Steven Russell, a man who, in many senses, is the small town ideal. A good churchgoing police officer, he goes looking for the mother who put him up for adoption. And this kicks off a series of events in which he discovers a few things about himself–he’s actually a gifted con man. And he’s also gay. And both of these are going to get him in a lot of trouble. But they’ll also get him to the point where he meets Phillip Morris, a young man with a kind heart who changes Steven for the better. Well…almost. The rest of the movie will follow Steven and Phillip as they go from rags to riches and back again.

And this is a good chunk of why you didn’t see I Love You Phillip Morris in a whole lot of theaters. Because this movie is not very subtle about its homosexuality–quite the opposite, in fact. Let’s put it this way–you might not have ever wanted to see a naked Jim Carrey have sex with men, even in simulation, but you will here.  A large portion of I Love You Phillip Morris will be intensely uncomfortable.

But another, larger portion will be out and out hilarious. Seriously, this is going to be endless piles of comic glee. It’s hard to hate a movie that makes you laugh so hard, and it’s hard to love a movie that’s as full of really uncomfortable moments as this one is. It’s a strange intermingling of horrible and awesome that’s really hard to pin down.

If you’re prepared to absorb some really frightening moments, some truly awful stuff, you’re going to walk away with this streaming tears from your eyes after some truly magnificent humor. Seriously, the part toward the end where Steven is repeatedly breaking out of jail only to be caught hours or even minutes later is comic gold.

The Screenhead Ten Scale hands I Love You Phillip Morris, a blend of horrors and hilarity, an eight out of ten for doing its job wonderfully as a comedy delivery system, but not without deep costs and horrible consequences.

Now that the Governator has been relinguished of his duties, it’s time for Arnold Schwarzenegger to get back to what he’s good at: trying badly to act. Does he even change his facial expression throughout the entirety of Commando? While no one cared in 1985, Arnie seems a little obsolete these days. Which is why he is making two huge missteps.

The first is that Arnie is set to return as the iconic Terminator. He appeared in the first three movies, his likeness turned up in Terminator: Salvation, and now according to 24 Frames his agents are shopping around a package for a fifth film that would include the king of meatheads. Extending a franchise beyond its welcome is nothing new in Hollywood, but what’s even more depressing is that it’s not being handed to some new talent to revitalise the spent story. No, instead Justin Lin is attached as director. Yes, the man between the moronic The Fast and the Furious sequels 3-5, the fifth (written by a 5-year old, it seems) due out this week. It will without doubt make a lot of money, and sadly that qualifies a hack director to take on what was once a great duo of films. Let’s just say there’s not much hope for the Terminated and the Untardy.

His other project is to appear as a comic-book superhero known as the Governator, developed as a comic and animated series by Marvel maestro Stan Lee. When the subject of a jokes gets in on it, you know it’s not going to be funny. Nor is it clever to develop a nickname into an entire series. Maybe Arnie does belong in politics after all.

For an actor who is known to be abrasive and driven at the same time, it’s about time that he tries to take over an entire film production by being its actor and director. According to Deadline, Russell Crowe is considering taking control of a film entitled 77.

While he hasn’t committed just yet (he’s waiting on the next draft), Crowe is line to take on a script that is an original idea by pulp writer James Ellroy (he wrote the original novels of LA Confidential and The Black Dahlia). David Matthews is working on the redraft. The story follows two police officers, one black and one white, and the connection between an unsolved murder of a police officer and the infamous shoot-out between the LAPD and the militant Patty Heart-kidnapping Symbionese Liberation Army.

Crowe’s superstar status has lagged a bit in recent years (Robin Hood underperformed, and The Next Three Days and State of Play were borderline disasters) so perhaps he feels he needs to resurrect his carrer single-handedly. Apparently, Crowe was interested in directing WWII drama The Long Green Shore but ultimately backed down, and the project is still in development.

One of the biggest films of recent memory has to be The King’s Speech. It took home a whole lot of Oscar gold and changed the way we look at speech impediments. The folks out at Anchor Bay sent out a copy of The King’s Speech for us to review, and so today, we get to see if it was worth the Oscar nods.

The King’s Speech follows King George VI, who finds himself ascending to the throne in a time of great turmoil. With the royal family rocked by scandal from within and a growing world war from without, George VI must find a way to overcome his greatest challenge, a lifelong speech impediment, to gain the throne, heal his ailing land, and get them ready for some of the greatest challenges Great Britain would ever face. A speech therapist of unusual method is brought in, and soon, things begin looking up, even in the face of horror around the world.

Folks, I’ll say this much: for those of you who think that “Oscar movies” are inherently dull, pompous, self-righteous affairs that exist for no other reason than to feed the already overinflated egos of the sociopathically self-indulged, let The King’s Speech serve as a stark reminder that that just plain old isn’t always the case.

The King’s Speech is patently amazing, a picture of twentieth century history at its deepest, and yet at the same time an incredible portrait of a tiny part of history that might well have gone overlooked, yet was the lynch pin of perhaps most of the twentieth century. It’s an incredible subject for a movie, and the end result is potent stuff with just a little bit of humor thrown in.

And even more, the performances here are terrific. In fact, there’s not a bad one in the lot. Everyone is so thoroughly believable that I was quite convinced, by the end of it all, that I might well have been watching the actual events going on in front of me. Believable, eminently watchable, and an unparalleled treat on all fronts, The King’s Speech is a fine example of film at its absolutely greatest.

The Screenhead Ten Scale in turn gives The King’s Speech an unqualified ten out of ten because it is simply too good to receive anything but. With fine performances around an excellent script that moves quickly and holds interest in a perfect hammerlock, a magnificent, spellbinding piece that’s well worth watching.