Seriously, you never know.  Last time I checked, YouTube was getting somewhere in the neighborhood of twenty hours of video uploaded to it every MINUTE.  You have any idea how nuts that is?  It’s crazy!

And with so many short films from aspiring directors, each one likely hoping to be the next Ataque de Panico or Alive in Jo’Burg, well, there’s a lot to sift through.  And that’s why today I’m tackling Brains!  The Amazingly Cheesy Zombie Movie.

Set in Wisconsin, Brains!…puts us up against a town that’s just got in some really BAD cheese.  In fact, it’s so bad, it’s causing a zombie apocalypse.  Not that I know that from the film, mind you–I learned that much from the synopsis provided.

The synopsis and the film seem to bear only a passing, tangential relationship and at the end of it all, I’m left feeling kind of disappointed.  Sure, it was fun to watch them break out the memes, but past that, there just wasn’t much here.

Comedies are great, sure, but it’s seldom a good idea to ignore story in favor of putting out the funny.

The Screenhead Ten Scale gives this boneless, disjointed short riot a five out of ten for doing half its job brilliantly.  But only half its job.

A few days ago we reported that this Halloween will be the ultimate horror flick showdown, as Saw VII (in 3D) was to take on Paranormal Activity 2. The Saw connections run deep, as PA2 was to be directed by Kevin Greutert (who directed Saw VI) and Saw VIII had David Hackl (Saw V). That’s a lot of saws and roman numerals. Alas, the showdown may not happen.

Apparently, Twisted Pictures and Lionsgate have reined in Greutert and he is now (by contractual force?) back on Saw VII and Hackl is moving onto another project. Which means the sequel to 2009′s surprise horror sensation (making over $120 million!) has no director, and may not even go ahead with the initially planned October 22 release date. This is typical movie-studio cut-throat behaviour, with Lionsgate probably doing whatever they can to disrupt the production of Paramount’s Paranormal Activity.

Meanwhile, the man behind the original Paranormal Activity, Oren Peli, is busy working on an alien version of his particular brand of home-made fake-documentary, Area 51. If Peli movies fast, perhaps that could fill the gap.

So the rumor is making the rounds again that the Gremlins series will in fact go to a full trilogy, and the third installment will likely be done with 3D and without Joe Dante, which is a combination of good and bad news the like of which I’d never thought I’d see.

Dante’s been saying since 2006 that he’s pretty sure there’d be a sequel to his Gremlins film, though so far, the studio hadn’t asked him back to handle it.  This is likely due to ideological differences, as Dante figured that the charm of the Gremlins series was in the puppetry, and that more than likely these Gremlins would be rendered in CG.  That’s not to say that CG Gremlins couldn’t look good, of course,  but some of that old-world charm would be lost in the translation.

So it now seems at least possible that we could get a Gremlins 3.  Will we actually get one, though?  Only one way to find out, and that’s to wait and keep it right here.

So we’ve unearthed a cache of survival related zombie shorts on YouTube, and we’re making the rounds of them.  Some of them have proven more than a bit facetious, but here’s one that’s going to go straight for the throat.

This is the story of a survivor who’s been traveling for the last year, until he finally finds a place where he can rest for a while.  Other survivors he finds convince him to make a video documenting his experiences, and luckily, he’s got over two hundred hours of footage that he can boil down to this one seven minute video.

Preposterous, I know, but that’s the story, and the end result will hopefully help some folks who find themselves behind the eight ball of zombie life.

There’s a little too much conversation and not enough action going on in here–ostensibly there’s a part two to this but I can’t find hide nor hair of it.  However, they certainly did a good job of setting things up and actually making zombie apocalypse seem plausible.

The Screenhead Ten Scale gives this tepid starter a six out of ten for doing a good job of setting up but a poor job of knocking down.

We have nine winners from 257 entries!!! 

The winners are Deb C. (36), Robert Reilly (41), Bobby Grimmer (113), Milton H. (232), R. Hicks (233), Bonnie P. (245), Marie Noguerole (248), Gloria Dornin (254) and Christine Herrera (257).

Congratulations Everyone.  It’s one scary movie.

Now you can own what Harry Knowles of Aintitcool.com calls ”one of the scariest at-home viewing experiences ever!” Paranormal Activity is available onDVD and Blu-ray!

Both the DVD and Blu-ray feature the theatrical version and an unrated version with an alternate ending never shown in theaters! Yes, you can own Paranormal Activity on DVD, 2-Disc Blu-ray and Digital Download from Paramount Home Entertainment!

Oh man.  This is gonna be EPIC.

See, this is an awesome chunk of news I picked up yesterday whilst touring the nets.  Apparently, the sequel for Paranormal Activity (dubbed, not surprisingly, Paranormal Activity 2) has had a release date announced, October 22.  That’s going to put it in direct competition with Saw VII.  And there’s already bad blood between the two.

Remember how a good chunk of what made Saw VI so awesome was its director, Kevin Gruetert, who did that short film Old Friends?  Well, he’s been tapped to direct Paranormal Activity 2.

So who does that leave to direct Saw VII?  Why, none other than David Hackl, the guy who brought Saw back from the brink with Saw V!

This is just crazy!  The two greatest Saw directors will be going head to head at the tail end of October, one armed with the newest incarnation of the new millennium’s first great horror franchise and the other one packing the sequel to the biggest upstart of 2009.

All I can say is, man, I can not WAIT for October!

If you’re a Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan, chances are you remember some of those old short films they’d show every so often and mock mercilessly, the kind of stuff like Duck and Cover, or other things that look insane to us now, but made perfect sense back then.  And today, I’m bringing you up close and personal to one such title–or at least a reasonable facsimile of same–called What To Do In A Zombie Attack.

In perfect fifties filmstrip style, What To Do In A Zombie Attack gives you all sorts of highly suspect information for surviving a plague of the walking dead.

It even SOUNDS like the fifties, with lots of references to the evils of communism, and all sorts of things you’d expect to hear back then.  The information, meanwhile, is less than valuable, but still hilarious in its way.

It’s a little awkward, but this ham-fisted short romp will still provide plenty of laughs even if it’s somewhat slow of pace.

The Screenhead Ten Scale hands this clever little throwback a six out of ten for being a bit on the slow side, but still downright entertaining.

Screenhead sponsored a giveaway for a Paranormal Activity Scare Kit in celebration of the release of the movie. 

The winner of the Paranormal Activity Scare Kit is Lyudmila (99).  I think, it’s an omen that number ninety-nine won.

I was truly amazed when I left Legion, which opened today, and saw two names get credited under the writer’s column.  I was amazed because I didn’t think it would take much more than half a dozen drunken monkeys at typewriters to pound out this potboiler, let alone two actual human beings.

Legion brings us a God who is heartily disappointed with His people–and if you don’t think we’ve given Him reason just watch E! for like an hour and you’ll see it too.  Thus, God figures the best way to tackle the problem is to send a whole bunch of homicidal angels down to earth to put a serious hurting on humanity.  The problem with this, of course, is that one of the angels decides that this isn’t such a hot idea and goes down to earth in advance of the legion of other angels.

He does this so he can save a pregnant waitress’ baby, who will apparently, for reasons no one saw fit to explain AT ALL, grow up to save the world.

Those of you who caught at least THREE subreferences to the Terminator series, congratulations, you do NOT have a mental illness, because I saw them too.

Legion watches like a movie that was edited by a twelve year old with a wicked case of ADD.  Large portions of the movie that might have explained things, like what the angel tattoos mean, or who the “prophets” are, or why the waitress’ baby is so damn important anyway, or why angels can be killed with 9mm ammunition were thrown out in favor of sequences that involved shooting or fighting or people exploding into clouds of acid.

From a narrative standpoint this movie is an utter joke and anything resembling a plot here simply exists to connect the various freaky moments and scenes of gunfire.  That having been said there is a LOT of gunfire in this movie, and plenty of freaky moments.  They love using the elderly and small children as monsters, and they do so to pretty good effect, but that doesn’t really distract from the fact that nothing of any real importance is going on here, just a whole lot of shooting and bleeding and occasional explosions.

For those of you who were inspired by last week’s The Book of Eli, you’ll lose that completely with this shoddy angel film that really doesn’t behave in any way like things are supposed to operate.  Special note to filmmakers: putting a Bible quote before you start your movie really only works when the quote is RELEVANT.  Or failing that, applicable.

This was not.

I left Legion still amazed that two people working together could create this kind of cretinous half-baked drivel.  Though I did have at least a little fun with all the gunfire and explosions, the fact remains that this is a pretty godawful (pardon the pun) movie.

The Screenhead Ten Scale shares my amazement and hands down a three out of ten to this warmed-over slop that reduces God to Skynet and manages to bungle any of a dozen great possibilities it might have had.

Nicolas Cage stars as a 14th century Crusader who returns with his comrade to a homeland devastated by the Black Plague.

A beleaguered church, deeming sorcery the culprit of the plague, commands the two knights to transport an accused witch to a remote abbey, where monks will perform a ritual in hopes of ending the pestilence.