The folks out at Anchor Bay sent over a copy of Megan is Missing for us to review, and if you’ve got kids, you need to see this one. Though by the time you’re done, you’re going to probably regret you saw it.

Megan is Missing is horror for the parents out there, as fourteen year old Megan Stewart goes missing one day. Her thirteen year old friend Amy Herman vanishes just three weeks after Megan did, and what we see here is a reconstruction of the period immediately before and after their disappearance using a variety of sources, including home video, web files, and assorted other things.

What follows is eighty five minutes of bizarrity and horror as we watch what amounts to kids gone wild. The thought that this could be happening right now will likely shock most anyone, especially if you’ve got kids. In fact, if you’ve got kids–especially thirteen year olds like those that are apparently all over this movie–it’s probably going to prevent you from sleeping at night for a good long time to come.

It’s like I’ve always said: the scariest stuff is that which is the most likely to happen, and the events you witness here are not only absolutely plausible, but if as true as the movie suggests, they’re scarier than most any undead juggernaut with a machete could ever hope to be.

Of course, from here, you’re now left with a distinct issue. Do you watch this or not? It’s slowly paced, awkward in spots, and downright painful to watch in others. Some might say it’s important for kids to watch, yet at the same time they’ve got this huge warning stamped on the back about how it’s got “scenes of drug use, sexual assault and frank language and not intended for persons under the age of eighteen”. And yet, it’s those same “persons under the age of eighteen” that this is geared to protect. There’s also a lot of commentary in here on the media, which is somewhat out of place given what’s going on.

In fact, the final twenty minutes or so of this movie are quite thoroughly beyond most anything you’ve seen lately, and that’s not a good thing, either. It’s utterly beyond disturbing. It’s downright painful to watch. It may well be the most horrendous and repulsive thing I’ve ever witnessed.

So in turn, the Screenhead Ten Scale does about the only thing it can rationally do and hands Megan is Missing a five out of ten. The difference is split. It’s vile, but likely necessary. It’s disturbing, but important. It’s the root canal of movies. It’s a prostate exam in a DVD case. It’s going to be an education in most every sense of the word and will terrify most anyone with children…or without. Subject yourself to this horror at your own risk, but you may not be able to live without it.

The scariest things are, I have always believed, the things that are the most plausible. Being chased through the woods by an undead juggernaut that you’re already well acquainted with is profoundly unlikely. But getting lost in the woods, or attacked by cougars, or pinned under a rock, those are all distinct possibilities. And those are the exact kind of possibilities that we’ll get a good look at in I Shouldn’t Be Alive Season 3, a copy of which Animal Planet sent out for us to review.

I Shouldn’t Be Alive Season 3 confronts us with a whole new set of people in terrible situations who have still managed to survive them, despite lack of gear, deep injury, or sheer ineptitude. You’ll see all manner of strange and frightening situations, of the type that you might very well find yourself in at one point or another. But more importantly, you’ll see how people get out of those very same situations,

Be forewarned, this is very much a niche item. If you’re not into stories of survival, in which people fight for their very lives against unimaginable difficulty, then this is going to be completely lost on you. Because, you see, that’s all it is. There aren’t any laughs here to speak of, there’s a little romance in some parts, but ninety-eight percent of the time this is going to be swimming with people getting trapped or running for their lives. But if you are interested in that, then you’re going to get just over seven hours of it, and it’s really going to impress you.

There is, however, one significant flaw with Animal Planet‘s I Shouldn’t Be Alive: everything that you’re going to see here, no matter how terrifying, no matter how daunting, no matter how insurmountable the challenges seem to be and no matter how the odds are stacked against them, you know exactly how it all will end. It’s right there in the title. They can’t very well call it “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” if it ends with “And then everyone in the hunting party died”, now can they?

And that’s where the issue is. If you want to hear stories of what amounts to near death experiences in the midst of nature at its most downright horrifying, you’re going to be all over this. If not, stay away.

The Screenhead Ten Scale, meanwhile, gives Animal Planet’s highly niche presentation of I Shouldn’t Be Alive Season Three a seven out of ten–it’s nicely put together, well done overall, but it’s not without some fairly substantial problems.

I’m always a bit concerned when I see something emerge from Tyler Perry. I haven’t had a lot of good experiences with him, but I know how quickly anything can change. I’ve seen movie franchises go completely into the toilet only to recover and bring good times right along side them. Saw IV was terrible, but Saw V kicked off a wonderful three years for me in which I, and the rest of Team Hoffman, could wait for his inevitable victory over the reality-denying punks over on Team Tuck. Friday the 13th didn’t get good until after The Final Chapter. So when the crew out at Lions Gate sent over a copy of Tyler Perry’s House Of Payne Volume Seven to review, I took the offer, and hoped for the best.

Tyler Perry’s House of Payne Volume Seven takes us back to the Payne household, where, as is generally the case, a lot is going on. And most of it isn’t good. The first five minutes, in fact, are a recap of the misery journey Calvin and his new wife ran through at the end of the previous series of episodes. So just in case it didn’t suck enough to see it then, you’ll get to see it all over again. And then it will go on from there, through the rest of the Payne clan, C.J and his family, Pops and Ella, and all the rest.

I have to admit, I was astonished. This may well be the first time I’ve actually laughed, and genuinely laughed, at a Tyler Perry product. More, it may be the first time I’ve enjoyed a Tyler Perry product. Sure, most of the problems of a Tyler Perry product are still in attendance–piles and piles of melodrama, for example. Everything horrible that can happen to these people does, and despite the fact that Perry’s actually put a little more funny into this one, he’s also jacked it up with so much horrible screeching melodrama it’s just downright preposterous. And the funny is almost a little uncomfortable–it feels like I’m laughing at the guy who just got his arm cut off by a chainsaw. The dialogue is still stilted and in many places poorly conceived, and the performances do nothing but underscore the melodrama. If they were chewing on the scenery any harder we wouldn’t have another season as they’d have digested all the sets by now.

The Screenhead Ten Scale gives House of Payne Volume Seven  a six out of ten for doing better than the previous seasons, but not fixing many of the problems of said seasons. It’s better than a sharp stick in the eye, but only slightly.

And we’ve got one more from the folks out at After Dark to bring to you today, one which, once again, they sent out. Fertile Ground isn’t likely to be the dog of the newest block of After Dark, but will it be anywhere near the top?

Fertile Ground joins Emily and Nate Weaver, a young couple leaving the city to go to Nate’s family home out in the middle of nowhere. And in a horror movie, leaving the city to go to the middle of nowhere pretty much ensures a bad time in the offing. And for Emily, this bad time comes in the form of horrible visions and dreams, and for Nate, this bad time comes in the form of a complete change in his behavior. But Emily doesn’t think it’s just bad dreams and a bad mood for hubby that marks the trip to the country. She thinks she might be in the midst of something even more horrible than she imagined.

Thankfully, the creepy and the horror kick off right away. While they do result to that sad, sorry sight that is “miscarriage as plot device”, it turns out that it’s quite necessary. And when you get to that point, you’ve got to take notice.

In fact, this one is head and shoulders above most of the rest in the lineup so far. Prowl had its moments, and Husk was fairly good, and Seconds Apart was too much a disjointed mess to be much use, but Fertile Ground does a magnificent job of packing in the scary. And the creepy. And the blood-soaked carnage, too. Most every tier of horror fan is going to be enamored with this, or should be, anyway.

It’s not every day that you find something that works on a variety of levels the way Fertile Ground does, and packing in all that creepy is definitely a good thing. This is part haunted house story, part haunted person story, and all scary.

It’s actually the best I’ve seen so far, though I still have high hopes for the remaining releases, some I’ve been waiting to see for some time.

The Screenhead Ten Scale gives Fertile Ground a full on ten out of ten–it’s too creepy, too generally terrifying to be anything but a full score earner. If you want something that will really put a punch in your movie night, this is a great one. And if you can get an actual thunderstorm going in the background, well, that’s even better.

We’ve got a big treat for you today, folks, as the crew out at new contact HBO sent us out an advance copy of True Blood: The Complete Third Season for us to review, and I’ll tell you this: if you can’t get enough vampires, Louisiana, or Sookie Stackhouse, then you’re absolutely going to love this when it hits shelves May 31st.

True Blood: The Complete Third Season takes us back down to the bayou for more fun with vampires. But this time, we’re not going to be so focused on Sookie and Bill, but rather a much broader picture of things, as the vamp-blood trade gets more involved, the King of Mississippi make his appearance, werewolves get into the picture, the supernaturals are a little less involved, and we’ll finally find out just who it is that Sookie Stackhouse is sharing genes with. So if you’re a True Blood fan, it’s going to be a big season for you.

And even if you’ve already seen it, well, that’s all the more reason for you to have it all in one place.

Assuming you haven’t seen True Blood yet, well, this is not the place you’ll want to start. You’re going to be abjectly lost by the end of things if you don’t have a good idea of what’s going on going in. But, if you have at least some idea of what’s going on, you’re going to have a grand old time here, make no mistake about that.

But be forewarned, this is an HBO series, which means a lot of the traditional defenses you might expect from a television series. There will be nudity in both directions, profanities of every description, and lots and lots of blood.

And if you can get around the…enhanced…content, you’ll get a surprisingly deep, surprisingly involved vampire story that runs the gamut from romance to action to even a bit of comedy, and that makes this one something really impressive and downright fun to watch. It really blew my mind, because I’ve never been much of a one for vampire stories. And yet, this one is actually pretty good, despite the fact that it’s absolutely thick with Ventrue-style vampires that normally irk me. Maybe it’s the environment, maybe it’s the comedy thrown in, but either way, I like True Blood.

The Screenhead Ten Scale, in turn, gives True Blood: The Complete Third Season an eight out of ten. It’s fine stuff, though you’ll have to have some love for the horror genre to really get anywhere with it, and you’ll need to start from the beginning to get the most out of it, but still, for those willing to take the ride, you’ll find a very welcome treat in this package.

The folks out at Lions Gate have been doing a lot of Marvel stuff lately, and considering that we just got through with the theatrical release of Thor, it’s probably no real surprise they came out with Thor: Tales of Asgard. They sent out a copy for me to review, and the end result wasn’t half bad.

Thor: Tales of Asgard takes us to a time before Loki was evil, and before Thor was the hero of Midgard–or rather, Earth–said brothers took a few folks (otherwise known as the somewhat famous Warriors Three) out on a quest for the lost Sword of Surtur. But this quest goes from treasure hunt to apocalypse in rapid fashion, and now Thor, Loki and the Warriors Three must work to save Asgard from a horror beyond even their imagination.

What will really surprise you here is how well put together this is. Yes, it’s a cartoon, but it’s actually a solid piece. It’s got a decent plot package–of course, purists here will likely be somewhat dismayed by the portrayals of the various characters, which seems to be at least somewhat off canon by a fair margin.  But then, that’s been the kind of thing we’ve been dealing with in these sorts of movies for years now; it’s never exactly according to Hoyle when it comes to the canon.

But still, it’s feature length (well, not too far short, anyway), it’s involved, it’s actually got some nice twists packed in here too…in short, it’s a fully-featured feature, and there’s plenty to like about it.

That’s actually been the case with a lot of Lions Gate / Marvel work, which is, admittedly, something of a surprise, but a very welcome surprise at that. I’m happy to see how well this was developed. And of course, for those who like action in their movies, you’ll have plenty of that. You’ll also have a few good laughs, which are also welcome, and best of all, you’ll almost be sad to see this one end. It was a good story, while it lasted, and though there may not be as much of it here as some would like, there’s enough of it to make it worthwhile.

So if you’re looking for a shot of Thor before he was Thor, then Thor: Tales of Asgard will give you a bit of that unique adventure you were hoping for.

The Screenhead Ten Scale, in response, gives Thor: Tales of Asgard an eight out of ten for putting on a fine show, just not so much of it is they should have. It’s well put together, and a valid feature in its own right, but just a bit lacking in the end.

When a DVD series kicks off its presentation with “Much of what you are about to see and here is graphic in nature, and may be disturbing to sensitive viewers”, you know you’re in for something that won’t leave you watching the clock. That’s just what we’ll get with The Third Reich, a copy of which the folks out at the History Channel sent out our way to review.

The Third Reich comes in a two disc package, taking up about three hours total. And in it, you’ll get two sides on those discs: The Rise, and then, The Fall. It will follow the German people, using their own film footage, as they found themselves in the midst of a horror partly of their own creation, asking questions that seldom get asked, like how and why a society would hand over power to a man like Adolf Hitler. And when you discover these answers–and while you discover them too–you will find they’re significantly more disturbing…and plausible…than you ever thought.

This is not the normal dose of History Channel–you won’t see a whole lot of one lone man screeching in German to crowds of adulating followers. What you will see is a lot of things you probably haven’t seen before. Some of what you’ll see is actually illegal to show in Germany, which is even more compelling.

And compelling really is the best way to describe these proceedings–downright frightful things will happen right in front of you. The whole thing looks like a train wreck that you can’t stop staring at, a train wreck you’ve seen before yet you know there’s no way to stop. And yet, viewed in this light, suddenly the whole Nazi regime makes a kind of dark, horrible sense. Looking at starving people living in the midst of horror makes it understandable–though not condonable–that they would turn to the direction they did.

You will see things here that are not only new, but alarming. You will see bodies in the streets, desperate people, small children surrounded by horror and all around it the darkly-tinged, comparative mania of people actually living a normal life, complete with dance contests and scenes from carnivals. They even have a term for it: howling with the wolves.

It’s dark, it’s terrifying, it’s scarier than most horror movies you’ll see in recent memory, and it’s all true. This is the power and the terror that is The Third Reich, and the History Channel has really knocked it out of the park with this one.

The Screenhead Ten Scale gives The Third Reich a ten out of ten for being probably the most unique, and most disturbing, presentation the History Channel has put on to date.

On behalf of Sony Pictures Home Entertainment, I am pleased to announce the winner of the giveaway for Game of Death, which is available on DVD AND BLU-RAY.

Girlon Shop is the winner, congratulations! This is what Girlon Shop has to say about Wesley Snipes: “I’ve always been a fan o Wesley mainly because of Blade Series.”

Action superstar Wesley Snipes is back and badder than ever as CIA Agent Marcus Jones, a professional hit man caught in a double-cross between his partners in the agency, a ruthless arms dealer and a powerful Wall Street broker worth hundreds of millions of dollars.

Framed for a murder he didn’t commit and chased by expert assassins, Jones must clear his name before it’s too late. Directed by Giorgio Serafini, the movie includes Robert Davi (Die Hard), Gary Daniels (The Expendables) and Zoë Bell (Grindhouse).

You can check out Steve Anderson’s review of Game of Death and learn more about the movie.

Screenhead has picked two winners for the Tamara Drewe graphic novel and DVD giveaway.

Our first place winner is Andria, who won the Tamara Drewe DVD and graphic novel, and the second place winner is Lorie Hart who one the Tamara Drewe graphic novel.  Congratulations!

I posted quite a bit about the flirtatious comedy that follows Tamara Drewe’s return to the rustic village of her youth transformed by a glamorous new career as a columnist– and a dazzling new nose – she captures the imaginations of all of the men in town. But when she turns out not to be the innocent lass everyone remembers, passions are inflamed and lives are changed forever. But when a bit of silly mischief puts lives and loves at risk, Tamara Drewe must choose between getting it all and getting the one. In this fun, witty romance, director Stephen Frears (The Queen, Dangerous Liaisons) perfectly captures the spirit of the beloved graphic novel.

There are days when I really understand the whale from the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy when it said “Oh no, not again”. That’s exactly what I felt when I opened up that envelope from Lions Gate and discovered the copy of Tyler Perry’s House of Payne Volume Six they sent over for me to review. Tyler Perry and I have not gotten along in previous installments (that’s not speaking lightly, either–the last time I took a run at Tyler Perry I called the end result a “putrefacted corpse”), so seeing how he handled the sitcom left me to wonder.

Tyler Perry’s House of Payne follows the Payne family, a family with a whole lot of love and all the standard problems. And a few more problems than that. Going into the sixth season, we’ve got marriages and babies and a whole lot more than that going on. And what we’ve also got is a big heaping dose of Tyler Perry Melodrama.

I can’t give you specifics without spoilers, but let me just say this: by the middle of the second episode of the DVD, I was already to the point where I was predicting plot points. And how am I predicting plot points? Well, it’s not hard, when Tyler Perry is injecting all his standard weapons-grade melodrama into it. It’s not hard to see what’s coming, because so often, it’s the worst thing possible. They’re at the hospital trying to deliver a baby, it’s breach. Get the new mother home, she’s having postpartum depression. Next week, the Paynes try to light a grill for a summer cookout and burn down the house. Grandma comes over for a visit? Whoops, she’s got cancer. And the house is being foreclosed on. But that’s okay, because someone’s a drug addict. Guess who!

Okay, so maybe those last six sentences were a crock. But still. And even the jokes are half stolen. For instance, when one of them is moving a box full of glassware and mispronounces “Fragile” as “Fra-ji-leh”. That was an awesome joke all right…the first time I heard it.

When it was first used in “A Christmas Story”.

Recycled jokes, piles of melodrama…Tyler Perry’s House of Payne is much like his movies. Godawful. Though there is a difference here–at least his show, sometimes, manages to get some laughs. And that’s a distinct plus. While we’re constantly crawling through epic piles of melodrama, as we so often do with Tyler Perry, at least every so often we’re laughing about something. And for Tyler Perry, that’s about as good as it seems to get.

The Screenhead Ten Scale gives Tyler Perry’s House of Payne Volume Six a five out of ten for being the funniest Tyler Perry thing I’ve seen yet. This is only good in a relative sense, of course, and it’s a lot like comparing a Ford Pinto to a car that’s actively on fire. The Pinto is good, but only because it’s technically driveable and not likely to kill you from oxygen deprivation when you sit in it while it’s on fire. And sitting in a burning car is actually a pretty good analogy of watching a Tyler Perry anything.