Bonus points for sheer exuberance goes to PANIC!, today’s short film review, and in this one, we’re going to see just how necessary it’ll be to panic.
Because in PANIC!, we’ve got a terrorist organization that’s working to steal a newly developed anabolic steroid. But since this steroid hasn’t really been tested yet, it turns out to cause–you guessed it!–Zombie Apocalypse.
We’re actually advised that this short is merely the start of a larger film to come, and on the one hand, that’s a good thing. Because half the stuff they talk about in their own synopsis didn’t even show up, and frankly, the short itself had enough holes in it for three–the last thing I needed was MORE holes.
This is really a very shoddy film, and frankly, I can’t see its quality very greatly improved by offering up more of it. I understand low budget filmmaking, but this is clearly NO budget filmmaking.
The Screenhead Ten Scale can’t imagine how this could improve either, and thus hands it a three out of ten as a bad effort.
As much as I love it when filmmakers give me advance warning, up front, about the quality of their short film material, I hate it when they steal my catchy, pithy phrases that I might well have used in a review. For instance, in this case, the director came out with: “This movie has zombies. This movie is garbage.”
Dammit, I was gonna use that line!
Anyway, today we’re talking about the short Zombie Garbage, and it’s sort of a foregone conclusion when even the director can’t say enough bad things about it. However, I’ll say this–the central idea, in which a zombie makes a phone call for pizza because he’s hungry and instead goes after the pizza guy, is a rarely seen concept and should be commended. I haven’t seen this trick used since Return of the Living Dead did “…send more paramedics”.
However, Zombie Garbage quickly lives up to its name via the implausible, unlikely and thoroughly gore-drenched last half. Seriously, it makes little sense and I’m not sure I really WANTED to understand the display of high pressure fake blood that was throwing out.
The Screenhead Ten Scale, meanwhile, averages out great idea with horrible execution to yield a four out of ten. Not too bad, but not as good as it might have been.
You know, I LOVE it when YouTubers out there preface their short films by giving us advance warning about the quality–or lack thereof–up front. Especially when it’s stuff like this:
I shot it over a weekend on my phone instead of the 3 months we were allocated, and I would say it shows. There is a distinct lack of plot and focus I suppose but it does involve zombies and some terrible acting courtesy of me.
Bravo, guys. Let’s just walk right into this.
Once again, we’re faced with the great terror that is the Zombie Apocalypse, only this time, we’ll be watching it all on television via a series of short vignettes that combine the acting skills of one man and a collection of hijacked footage. They are actually kind of funny in a “laugh at the monkey” sort of way that makes you feel bad for laughing later on. It’s kind of like laughing at a guy with a speech impediment who’s trying his best to sing Carmen.Yes, it’s funny on the surface, but it’s so very wrong to laugh.
And that’s about what Zombie World-Land-Place-Ville felt like–like laughing at something you really shouldn’t.
The Screenhead gives this highly uncomfortable comedy a five out of ten for being funny, but for mostly the wrong reasons.
Okay, folks, I know we’ve been heavy into the zombies of late, so here’s a little something different for you all. Today, we’re going to tackle a little something else that’ll probably give you the galloping creeps–dolls.
Yes, dolls. And killer dolls are the subject of today’s review target, Doll House. And in this one, a little girl will find herself in for the night of her life when her doll decides it’s high time for some changes in the bedroom.
She’s sick of having a roommate….
First off, let’s give a nice round of applause to the short’s lone actor, Abby Louise Kalee Middleton, who I believe is the daughter of the film’s writer / director / producer. Despite the fact that this movie is short on both plot and content, it still manages to be extremely creepy, and that’s pretty much what we came for.
Sure, there’s not much going on here, but it’s still a well put together little dose of creepy–kudos for the great thunderstorm sound effects–and the end product comes off nicely if a bit amateurish.
The Screenhead Ten Scale hands down a note of respect in the form of a six out of ten. It does its job, but not in any spectacular fashion.
No, seriously. They freak me out like nobody’s business. Because they keep going into short films with whatever they’ve got handy, and frankly, the short films aren’t that bad.
I’ve seen complete garbage done by so-called “professionals” that was vastly worse than most of the kiddie shorts I’ve found so far. Why, it’s almost enough to make me wonder if filmmaking has a future.
In this title, World’s End, we join a lone survivor of the great Zombie Apocalypse out scrounging for all the basics in life–food, shelter, and big-ass guns. But naturally, it won’t be that simple for our hero, as he’s beset upon by a zombie who looks to be about eight or so.
Much like One More Zombie, this example of Kiddie Romero is poorly scripted and poorly shot, but considering the ages and experience levels of the filmmakers, it’s absolutely understandable and should be lauded. Kids today, man…I didn’t even try making MY first indie film with friends until I was like seventeen. We were going for one of those wild camping-in-the-woods slasher flicks but it never got out of the script stage. And yes, I wrote the script, and yes, it sucked, and no, you can’t read it mostly because I can’t actually find it now.
But anyway! World’s End and the rise of the Kiddie Romero set. Color me impressed–not on an objective level, of course, but on a conceptual level. This isn’t that great a movie, but what it represents is a wonder indeed.
Congrats, kiddies–you made it past the tough tests too. The Screenhead Ten Scale’s handing you a six out of ten too–not because your movie was anything great but because you did it with virtually NO tools in your bag at all. Be sure to let me know when the next one comes out.
So what happens when you take a lazy filmmaker who wants to use footage from a Zombie Walk and turn it into a movie? You get something like Swine Flu Zombies.
And in this one, it’s up to a mad scientist to find a cure for an outbreak of the walking dead, and do so in rapid fashion before they overrun the planet.
First, some background. A Zombie Walk is like a giant ambulatory costume party in which all the attendees dress and act like, well, zombies. Often these are linked to charitable functions, and they have the added bonus of freaking out anyone who happens to see it and isn’t aware.
The short film built around this, meanwhile, has a few good chuckles and they’re largely intentional, but they’re pretty crass (hurf durf! the scientist has a funny German name! Hey, lookit the funny rednecks wranglin’ up them thar zombies!).
Still though, laughs are laughs and Swine Flu Zombies does have them. But still, being as this movie’s about a third stock footage from a Zombie Walk, there’s only so good it can be.
Thus, the Screenhead Ten Scale hands this rather shoddy, but still funny, short film a five out of ten.
You’ve got to admit, with a title like RUN!, you expect a certain level of, well, ACTION involved in this short film. The question of course is whether perception matches reality.
And in this short, we’re treated to a couple of guys out to make the world a little bit safer for the handful of human beings left in the world attacked by a horde of track-star zombies.
There’s a great surprise in this one, and if you’re into zombie movies you’ll actually get a kick out of it. Though if you’re into zombie movies, chances are you’ll be offended by the track-star zombies in the first place as they’re so non-standard Romero that it’s beyond ludicrous.
However, it’s a great idea that would make a great scene in a full length movie, so it’s definitely got some worth on its own. The end result for the Screenhead Ten Scale is to give RUN! a six out of ten for being worthwhile on its own, but only just.
Folks, I’ll preface my remarks today by saying that I have never, literally NEVER, seen a short film used to promote a book before. Thus, even if it’s complete crap, the sheer uniqueness is probably going to land this sucker at least a four out of ten.
The Screenhead Ten Scale is already warming up.
But anyway, the plot–The Enemy is a short film about a strange plague that sweeps the country and affects anyone over the age of fourteen. Most of them died.
Most of them….
So yes, it’s post-Apocalyptic fare at its most ominous. After all, it’s not exactly the kind of thing you can just give a dismissive back of hand “bah!” to outright, now can you? Who knows what kind of strange diseases some rogue terrorist nation is working on at this very moment that may do something exactly like this?
And though this short film is little more than a massive commercial, it succeeds in three important facets.
1. It’s scary as all hell. Seriously, this guy is a terrific actor. And the make up involved is horrifying.
2. It’s compelling. I don’t know about you, but I definitely want to get my hands on a copy of this book.
3. It stands on its own merits. Yes, it’s mostly talking. It’s seven minutes of some guy talking into a camera. But when you combine his own skill as an actor with the incredible makeup job and the feasibility of the plot, what you’re left with is a surprising and rather scary experience.
As a short film, it’s sufficiently scary if a bit too dialogue intensive. As a book commercial it’s an absolute juggernaut.
And the Screenhead Ten Scale is left to try and rate this, and hands it an eight out of ten for doing its job, doing it exceedingly well, and yet at the same time being so thoroughly crass that it can’t get full marks.
That question, of course, is: who was on how much of what when they came up with THIS lunacy?
The title pretty much gives away the entire film–a lone ballerina, off dancing in a field, runs afoul of a member of the walking dead gnawing on a head. The zombie senses a chance for a meal in the young dancer, and shambles her way. But what will happen when the ballerina and the zombie meet?
This short movie is absolutely hilarious. There were several good possibilities for what they could have done with this and I think they may well have chosen the single most preposterous of all.
The end result is the quickest chuckle you’ve had lately, and, considering that it’s only a minute and a half long, give or take, you’ve definitely seen worse especially for the investment asked of you.
The Screenhead Ten Scale gives this fast dose of laughs a seven out of ten for being quick and hilarious.
When I saw the title for this one, all I could think of immediately was that old Weird Al tune, One More Minute. If you’ve never heard it, I suggest you do, but wait until after you’ve watched this lest it get as stuck in your head as it did mine.
Anyway, One More Zombie is another in a steadily growing pool of short films about the zombie apocalypse, and that’s exactly what the plot of this one is, too. A man is out trying desperately to survive in the midst of a zombie apocalypse. He’ll be recording his journey for us as it proceeds via a Sony Cybershot camera he carries with him.
Will he be savaged by hordes of roaming flesh eaters? Or will something much more ironic happen?
First off, you’ll notice that the “man” in question is about ten years old. And so are the zombies. Yes, folks, welcome to indie filmmaking at its finest, where even CHILDREN can make and distribute their own short film.
And yes, by any concrete standard this movie is godawful. The narrative has more holes in it than cheesecloth, the props are basically whatever they had laying around, the special effects are nonexistent and the dialogue is an utter joke, doubly so considering they are working utterly without a script.
But you have to balance that assessment against the fact that this was shot by children with no budget. In terms of relative accomplishment, they’ve pulled off the amateur film making equivalent of Gone With The Wind. They have made, relative to their skill, experience and training, a one in a million golden BB that deserves to be seen.
And in utter truth, I would a thousand times sooner watch this again than ANYTHING that Ulli Lommel has put out any time in the last five years.
The Screenhead Ten Scale, meanwhile, is at a loss on how to score this movie. By any rational scale it is a near total failure. But what it represents is worth more than rubies. And thus, it’s left to split the difference and apply a handicap.
For sheer effort, kids, you take home a six out of ten on the Screenhead Ten Scale. You have gone where many before you have failed and come out looking pretty good. You survived one of the toughest tests in film journalism.
Be sure to let me know when the next one comes out.
