Oh, I’m not saying it won’t make bank, and that bank will be massive. But I AM saying that it’s likely to be a huge flop, literally. It’s going to be huge…because the word’s out that the third installment of the Twilight saga will be available on IMAX.
That’s just what we all needed, I say, while holding my forehead, trying to keep my frantic brain from bursting out of its bone cage and heading somewhere they never even HEARD of Twilight. Because sparkly vampires aren’t indignity enough! No! They’ve got to be FORTY FEET TALL!!
Believe me, I’m sobbing now, while at the same time being vaguely grateful there isn’t an IMAX theater within fifty miles of my front door for the first time in a long time.
I will admit that it’s been getting a bit better since its beginning, which is downright rare in film history (a sequel is almost never better than its predecessor. It’s downright axiomatic, and to see otherwise is very rare.), and by all reports Eclipse will have MORE action, a welcome improvement, to be sure, but I’m still not happy about all this.
If you’re not as freaked out as I am by the thought of Robert Pattinson playing Paul Atreides in the upcoming remake of Dune, then you’re a much, much stronger man–or woman–than I am.
Why am I freaking out? Simple. There’s not even the proverbial snowball’s chance that some putz whose biggest roles were a sparkly vampire and Cedric Freaking Diggory can handle the lead in a major sci-fi franchise film like Dune.
Dune is an institution. A really WEIRD institution, granted, but Dune is like the Hellraiser of science fiction. There have been so many versions–mostly books, granted–of this movie that it qualifies for franchise status. And to put the sparkly vampire emo boi in charge is downright insulting.
I just can’t see him tackling a big role in a genre he has no experience in. And besides–his big draw is to teenage girls. What teenage girl is going to want to sit through DUNE?
I’m not very pleased with this development at all. But maybe I’m overreacting.
First off, yes, Kristen Stewart DOES in fact have an action figure, based on her character Bella from the truly godawful Twilight series that everyone seems to love despite all logic and good common sense.
But anyway, she’s not terribly happy with that action figure, and you won’t believe why.
It turns out it has…ahem…larger attributes than she does. I’ll let her be more specific:
“I think she has a much bigger rack than I have,” Kristen said. “I also think she looks much older than me. I guess I can live with that. In fact, I’m getting used to the bigger rack.”
There are a great many things that could be said at this point but most of them would likely get me sued by somebody for some reason or another. I’ll just suffice it to say that Hollywood’s weirdness truly knows no bounds.